I Ain’t Sorry (How To Stop Saying Sorry)

Can I tell you something? You Matter 🙂 You really do! Has anyone ever told you that before? Well, listen up! You, my dear, are beautiful, wonderful, unique, and exquisite. You are a masterpiece, a brilliant piece of art, a prized possession and you don’t have to be sorry about that!

Do you believe that?

To all my ladies who at one time in their life have used Queen B’s “Sorry” as your theme song, this blog is for you! Just say these 3 words out loud: I. Ain’t. Sorry. How does that make you feel? Like a surge of girl-power energy just started running through your veins? Can I make a confession? I may or may not have found myself on more than one occasion dancing around my house to “Sorry”, “Titanium”, “Part of Me”, even splashing the water in my tub to “It Ain’t Me”.

You’re in good company if those three words make you feel so darn good.

Have you ever paid attention to (been seriously annoyed at, even considered hostile at) how often your best friends say “I’m sorry”? Or how about this.. Have you ever paid attention to how often you yourself say those 3 words?

Apologizing for knocking on the bathroom stall door to make sure you don’t humiliate the girl inside, apologizing for being hit by someone else’s grocery cart, saying you’re sorry for calling your boss back when (s)he asked you to, or how about apologizing to your Starbucks Barista for being sweaty after you had an hour long power yoga class?

Do you ever find yourself saying too much to excuse something you have no reason or responsibility to even mention?

What is it to them? Why do we take the responsibility as if we are the ones who are always in the wrong? I mean, when you punch someone’s lights out “accidentally”, by all means, say it! But to say you are sorry for something that wasn’t your fault, or to say it as a byproduct of an insecurity or desire to dodge humiliation?

?“Tell them’ boys, Bye!”?

Saying “sorry” has become a pandemic for the women of our society. There might be some women who are over-compensating for their lack of awesomeness and simply refuse to apologize; or you have us, the other 99.9% of the female population, who apologize for absolutely everything including a sneeze. I mean, if you bless me for it, why would I say I’m sorry?

Recent studies show that women are 80% more likely to apologize than men. Not because women do more things wrong or because men are reluctant to admit it, merely because women have a lower threshold for what they think would warrant their apology.

Why do we say it, anyway?

A recent study made by Kathryn D. Cramer, the author of “Lead Positive: What Highly Effective Leaders See, Say, and Do”, found that since women are socialized at a young age to focus on being nurturing and sensitive, any sign of strength can be a sign of rebellion or aggression. They are conditioned to be shy and soft-spoken, and therefore, as a result, release a slew of unwarranted apologies throughout their lifetime.

In researching and sorting through study after study, I found this habit can be rooted in four different characteristics. Brace yourself, ladies! Ready??

Insecurity, insincerity, insufficiency, and insignificance.

Insecurity – Simply put, insecurity is a result of not believing in yourself or your worth enough to assert yourself in any situation life brings. Phrases like “I’m sorry to interrupt” or “Can I ask you a question” are very common. When I believe I am worth it, I believe people understand and give grace for things that may be slightly abrupt or inconvenient. Another helpful hint, the more grace I give other people for their sometimes obnoxious behavior, the more I will expect to receive it.

Insincerity – Instead of being purposeful with your words and having those around you who desire to listen to every word you say, over apologizing can cause those individuals to not put any weight on anything you say. You lose people’s trust in what you say because everything is drenched in timidity and “think”, “maybe” “kind of” and “sorta”. When you just want to see excellence, you don’t have to worry about coming across as aggressive. Let go of being bashful and embrace your inner passion! This is what the World needs to see!

Insufficiency – When we become too mindful of other peoples’ thoughts and opinions of who we are, we lose the uniqueness and the inner strength of our own voice. When we continue to apologize for being who we believe we are, by default we allow other people to dictate who we are and how we must think. How do we get free from this dreadful habit? Here’s the trick, be willing to take risks, to be wrong, and to possibly like things a little differently than those around you.

Insignificance – When you find yourself seeking reassurance or unnecessary affirmation, turn and run! Be you, boo 😉 You have an eye to express something the world has never seen before. I read a quote once that said something to the effect of  “You give life to a creativity that others have felt but have never been able to properly communicate or express”. The truth is, you have nothing to apologize for. The World needs what you have!

Now, if you found yourself in any (or if you’re like me…all) of these categories, start here…

DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR IT! Instead, use this as an opportunity today to be yourself, in the fullest of ways. You were made to shine!

Now, Wild Family, let me end with a special quote that I hope encourages you as much as it did me when I heard it during my Yoga practice this morning at 6 am!

Be present. Make tea. Avoid small talk. Embrace conversation. Buy a plant, water it! Make your bed. Make someone else’s bed. Have a smart mouth and a quick wit. Run. Make art. Create. Swim in the ocean. Swim in the rain. Take chances. Ask questions. Make mistakes. Learn. Know your worth. Love fiercely. Forgive quickly. Let go of what doesn’t make you happy. Grow.// P. Coelho